30 – The toughest challenge with frostbite

The toughest challenge I will probably face with my frostbite...

I woke up both yesterday and today morning thinking to myself, maybe I could go for a run on the 10k loop around Union Glacier Camp. I could just put my mittens on and I should be fine.

Then I immediately had to reign myself in...

You're somewhat alone out there in the elements and it would take a bit to get back if anything at all happened that risked getting my hands cold again. That's the one thing I absolutely cannot do.

So I told myself...

"Calm down you dumbass. Remember patience." 

If you've followed me for a while now, you know I can tend to do some dumb shit from time to time when pushing the line :) While the frostbite wasn't a result of my own stupidity, the hypothermia and repeated bouts of heat exhaustion in the past most certainly were :)

As such, my self talk usually fluctuates between extreme confidence in my
own abilities to be the toughest motherfucker alive, or reminding myself to not be a dumbass :)

There's no middle ground - it's either I'm a warrior or an idiot :) 

It's going to be tough keeping myself in check to let this frostbite heal. I'm already chomping at the bit to get back out again. From time to time, I find myself thinking, maybe I could still do the North Pole. But no, I absolutely cannot :) Not with how black my 2 fingers got.

Other than not being a fucking idiot :) the other challenge is the pain of not being out there with my team...

I'm sure they're fine and they certainly don't need me to reach the South Pole. But when 1 team member leaves, that's 1 less person to contribute to the collective workload of the mission. Even if it's just a little bit, that's still more work for each of them now. It upsets me that I'm responsible for that.

There's nothing I can do about it now, so it is what it is, but I'm glad it upsets me when I think about it. It should...

My one guiding mantra that transcends all my other ones is...

"It's not about you."

That, my friends, is the secret.

“AKSHAY WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU THINK ABOUT FEAR” – CAL NEWPORT

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Fearvana inspires us to look beyond our own agonizing experiences
and find the positive side of our lives. ~ The Dalai Lama