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You Can Be Happy Too, You Dumbass…

This is a continuation of the journal I kept during my 7 days in pitch darkness, silence and isolation.

Many of the passages I wrote in this darkness journal are scattered thoughts that came to me while I embraced the stillness and experienced magical “light shows.” As such, they are not always coherently structured in a way that you would find paragraphs that flow together inside of a book.

For better or worse, I am sharing everything I wrote with you without holding anything back. To be honest with you, I felt very nervous about sharing the entirety of my journal. Some parts reveal deep, personal struggles I was going through in a raw and real manner. But I am doing this because I believe there is some value to be found in these words for you. I myself was deeply moved by reading them once I returned into the light.

Surprisingly, I could not remember writing much of what I read…

When I wrote Fearvana, it was me writing that book. What I wrote in this journal, it seemed as if it wasn’t always me doing the writing. Even though I may have held the pen in my hand, what came out on paper felt like something coming through me. I was simply meant to be a messenger for something far more profound and meaningful than even I can fathom.

I hope the following words prove valuable to you and serve you in finding light within whatever darkness you might be experiencing at this point in time…

This is part 2 of my Darkness Journal

You need faith for self transcendence because you can’t even fathom what lives beyond the self. You are trapped within its confines. Faith gives you access to the unknown, so you can rise above the self. Like Desmond Doss or Lance Sijan, they transcended the self through unwavering faith. Faith is perhaps nothing more than trust in the unknown. Trust in a power that’s beyond you. Trust in a power that transcends you. A power we all have. A power that connects us.

God is an act of self transcendence. So to express God, in every moment, ask yourself what are you transcending the self in service of? This is why the question who is God does not matter. What matters is when is God, where is God and how can we be a full expression of God. And we get to be that anytime we choose. That’s the best part. God is now, and God is whenever I choose.

Suffering is training in the art of self transcendence. It’s the access point to salvation and the divine.

2 days in. Now that you’re caught up on sleep, now things are about to get real. The real transformation hasn’t happened yet. Now you will have to face and overcome this discomfort to find what’s waiting on the other side. This moment right here is everything. This is the defining moment. This happens in every area of life. What you do here shapes your destiny. This is the true hurdle. In this moment, lies your destiny. 

We mostly go through life wanting everything that is on the other side of this moment. We don’t want to face this moment, but the transformation lies in this moment. What happens on the other side is just icing on the cake baby, icing on the cake 🙂

Do you control the moment, or do you surrender to it? This is what you now face.

Yes, I want an intense life. Of course I do. Why wouldn’t I? But remember, you’re going to have to do mundane shit to get to the intense. You gotta build up to be ready for the intense, that’s just the nature of the beast. So your job is to constantly find beauty in the mundane. Is that not spirituality? Finding joy and highs in the mundane. 

Darkness is not the absence of light. No matter how dark, light is always there. And sometimes the light we generate in the dark will be the brightest light of all. 

There is so much pain in the world. You are here to bring light where there is dark, to bring meaning and purpose where there is pain. That is the sole reason you are alive. Never forget.

Joy doesn’t mean the death of the eye of the tiger. You can be happy too, you dumbass. Joy and intensity can coexist as one. Joy doesn’t have to be the death of drive.

If I am just a product of everything that has happened to me in the past, then who am I does not matter. The only I that matters is the I that transcends this small I. In the grand scheme of things, in the entire spectrum of life on earth, this one life is nothing. It is a blip in time. So how does this I even matter? It matters if we can transcend space and time. The (illegible word) only matters to the extent that it transcends this self in service of all that is.

500 years from now if some kid reads Fearvana and it helps him, I am now connected to that kid. My parents are now connected to that kid. We have all become one and each individual is part of a bigger whole. We have transcended the individual self to become part of the collective whole. To live outside of being a (illegible word) is to live in service of something and someone beyond the self. Because then it doesn’t matter where each thought has been birthed. What matters is the actions have gone beyond you.

And your legacy is who you are. Your legacy is the only real you. So what will you do? Every act must be one of transcendence in service of that legacy. Perhaps that is why it’s important you share your story. It’s not about you. It’s about the lives you touch. The only true self that matters is the self that is part of the collective whole. Leverage the self, the ego, to transcend the self. And remember death is coming. Death will be here soon. Earn that final rest motherfucker. Earn it. 

When you go into the final darkness, go with the knowledge that you have given everything to life. The visceral feeling of death you just felt, remember that shit. Hold onto it. Time is a luxury you do not have. Remember your legacy. To transcend space and time, you must give everything to space and time while you still have it. Everything!

But then do I get to be in a relationship. I want to. I like that feeling. It’s beautiful. But why does what I want matter? Hmm….

I feel like I can really care for someone and give them love, support and a good life. But evidence would prove otherwise considering what happened with Shruthi. Her life was not better. What if Shruthi had married some regular Joe Tamil dude. Perhaps her and her family’s life would have been better. But… Perhaps Fearvana would never have come to be. She helped birth Fearvana. That will always be her legacy too. So perhaps we can’t know how it’s all going to play out. But we can just live with unwavering faith that however it does play out, we still have the power to bring meaning to it and use it in service of the bigger picture. That makes sense. The question still remains, do you get to be in a relationship? 

If you were never with Shruthi, Fearvana would never have come to be. So perhaps a relationship acts like a microcosm of the larger connection to all that is. Its self transcendence practiced daily in service of the bigger picture. Its the one and the millions. They both must coexist because every life fucking matters. And you are here for that, for the one and the millions. I guess I struggle with why does it matter if I’m happy or not? Is my happiness making a difference? Is it doing any good? If the one life matters, then does yours?

So be happy as an end, but more importantly be happy as a means, as a means to accomplishing the mission. The mission is everything, it transcends you. 

So be in the kind of relationship that would enhance the mission. Be in a relationship where our collective mission is enhanced by us being together. And ultimately that kid 500 years from now will be better of for us having come together. That is the only relationship that matters.


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Fearvana inspires us to look beyond our own agonizing experiences
and find the positive side of our lives. ~ The Dalai Lama