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In the Darkness, I Do Not Exist…

This is a continuation of the journal I kept during my 7 days in pitch darkness, silence and isolation.

Many of the passages I wrote in this darkness journal are scattered thoughts that came to me while I embraced the stillness and experienced magical “light shows.” As such, they are not always coherently structured in a way that you would find paragraphs that flow together inside of a book.

For better or worse, I am sharing everything I wrote with you without holding anything back. To be honest with you, I felt very nervous about sharing the entirety of my journal. Some parts reveal deep, personal struggles I was going through in a raw and real manner. But I am doing this because I believe there is some value to be found in these words for you. I myself was deeply moved by reading them once I returned into the light.

Surprisingly, I could not remember writing much of what I read…

When I wrote Fearvana, it was me writing that book. What I wrote in this journal, it seemed as if it wasn’t always me doing the writing. Even though I may have held the pen in my hand, what came out on paper felt like something coming through me. I was simply meant to be a messenger for something far more profound and meaningful than even I can fathom.

I hope the following words prove valuable to you and serve you in finding light within whatever darkness you might be experiencing at this point in time…

This is part 3 of my Darkness Journal

The conscious self matters only to the extent that it is directed toward some act that transcends the self. 

Let this be the death of one self and the rebirth of another. Live every day with this kind of intention and purpose. Slow down time so you can live longer. 

Notice all your insecurities about not being liked or not good enough. Be with it, but let it consumed by the nothingness and all encompassing darkness. In here, nothing matters. Just be and the darkness does not judge. Live as if you were in this darkness Be the fullest expression of you and stop playing small because you being you is not about you. It is about the message of which you are a vehicle. So it’s on you to go all out because its your responsibility to your higher self and most importantly to those you serve. 

All of that is simply a dance with one moment in time. Here you are without time and only time. So time isn’t real. Everything you do moving forward, it’s how you relate to time. That is why there is no work or no play, it’s just the dance with time that matters. Remember this moment and use meta adaptation to bring this relationship to time and to the now to everything.

Live every day, every moment with intention, purpose, presence and clarity that this moment is your life.

Just like the darkness, let yourself be enveloped by whatever it is you pursue. Let it become you, let it consume you. Become one with it, just like the darkness.

Practice never repeating a thought. Do not waste your cognitive energy on a thought you know will have to show up again. Never think a thought more than once. You don’t have the time or energy.

Woah, I was just able to instantly control, let go and manipulate a thought pattern without it controlling me. I instantly broke the pattern by seizing control of the space.

Room turned red. Red bush. Fire. Laying down. Blue sky. Colors. Depth. You are not ready to leave yet. Gotta go deeper down this rabbit hole.

You transcended thought and cognition and went deeper. Your (illegible word – perhaps “surrendering”)

It went away, but it will be back. Go back and become one with it. Let go. Don’t think. Surrender.

Good bumps. Disoriented. Take a break and go back into it. Must go deeper. Deeper.

Don’t think about it. Don’t think what it means. Don’t think how to apply this. That comes later. Now, just be. Be.

Not for anyone. Only for you. You get this. It’s allowed. Tears…. It’s okay. Not for anyone. Only for you. Be selfishly selfless. 

Put this away. Don’t think. Go deeper. Go deeper. Sink and let it go.

As someone who is an overthinker, the darkness taught me to transcend reason. Eg. The colors. Real is whatever the hell I choose it to be. That’s faith. Choosing a reality beyond reality. 

Remember those smoothies. Savor the little things. Darkness and light is everywhere. Create each at will as and when you need them.

In the darkness, I do not exist, because every thought is a thought has been planted into me. So every thought is a response from the machine. I came here to recognize I.

I do not exist and the (illegible word – perhaps nothingness) of the “I.” The only I that matters is what I create. In creation, there is self transcendence. For that creation has now gone beyond you and is in service of others. You, or I, has now become a part of the collective. And that is when you will live in eternity. Your I is immortal insofar as the creation you put out into the universe. So what about my feelings though? Do my feelings matter? They do and they don’t. They matter insofar as I am the one that is part of the millions, and the one also matters. So they matter in that they allow me as the one to be, live and die for the millions.

The only I that matters as I sit here in the darkness is the I that remains with the world beyond me. Those who think about me, those who have been touched by any of my creations. That is the only I that really matters. Because that I matters, it’s on me to make this I, sitting in a dark room matter. So this I can create greater, purpose, meaning and value for the larger I, otherwise what the fuck does it matter that I’m sitting here in a dark room.

The ego matters because I need to own my greatness and strength of me, of this I, in order to then transcend the small I for the larger mission and the immortal I.

There are 2 I’s. This is everything. Every thought I have is shaping this present I, but this self is a product of the past. It is not the higher self.

The mortal self and the immortal self. The mortal self is all these thoughts. It’s molded by everything that has made me me today.

The mortal self matters for that is the self that exists in the present moment. That is the self sitting here in the dark. The immortal self is the one that transcends thoughts, feelings in service of creation. It is the immortal self that births life. For in that act, that self has now been forever immortalized in this new life. And if that life dies? Well we all die. What matters is what we do while we’re alive. The immortal self exists to transcend thought and feeling in service of seeking, in service of creation.

The one life matters because it is part of the millions. The millions cannot exist without the one. They both matter. Its on us to unify them and make them aligned. To align them in a harmonious coexistence.

Fearvana – by going into our most primal state, we can access our most evolved state. They are the 2 spectrums of a duality. And thus at their most extremes, its in their coming together, that we find the highest form of life.

Be unstoppable in everything you do because the immortal self only thinks about creation. It is not trapped in the confines of the thoughts and feelings of the mortal self. It only cares for creation in service of the millions. The immortal self exists only for that reason and thus has no problems being unstoppable and facing every challenge or every rejection. Because it is only the mortal self that is affected by those things. Only the mortal self is hurt and feels doubt, etc. The immortal self feels nothing, it simply creates to serve. Use this to be fucking UNSTOPPABLE!

The mortal self is trapped in time, for the immortal self there is no time. Time is eternal. Use this and access this state to transcend time.


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Fearvana inspires us to look beyond our own agonizing experiences
and find the positive side of our lives. ~ The Dalai Lama