This is a continuation of the journal I kept during my 7 days in pitch darkness, silence and isolation.
Many of the passages I wrote in this darkness journal are scattered thoughts that came to me while I embraced the stillness and experienced magical “light shows.” As such, they are not always coherently structured in a way that you would find paragraphs that flow together inside of a book.
For better or worse, I am sharing everything I wrote with you without holding anything back. To be honest with you, I felt very nervous about sharing the entirety of my journal. Some parts reveal deep, personal struggles I was going through in a raw and real manner. But I am doing this because I believe there is some value to be found in these words for you. I myself was deeply moved by reading them once I returned into the light.
Surprisingly, I could not remember writing much of what I read…
When I wrote Fearvana, it was me writing that book. What I wrote in this journal, it seemed as if it wasn’t always me doing the writing. Even though I may have held the pen in my hand, what came out on paper felt like something coming through me. I was simply meant to be a messenger for something far more profound and meaningful than even I can fathom.
I hope the following words prove valuable to you and serve you in finding light within whatever darkness you might be experiencing at this point in time…
This is part 4 of my Darkness Journal
As I go into day 4 or so, its starting to get a bit challenging 🙂 this is one of those defining moments. What will you do? What you do here and now is what you will do everywhere in life?
Remember this for life. Accept and surrender!
Happiness is the answer. Do everything with joy and happiness.
Like Tom Brady said he loves what he does, that’s why he takes no days off, cause he loves it. Same with Steph Curry. He enjoys what he does. Bring joy to everything and you won’t feel the need to drink. When you picture yourself happy in those triggering scenarios, then you don’t feel the need to drink. Remember that.
You must embrace the dark and the intensity, but that can and must coexist with the joy. Be playful. Be fun. Be light. Bring joy to darkness and darkness to joy. They must coexist.
I understand why you feel guilty for being happy, and I think its a beautiful symbol of your desire to serve and make a difference in the world. But this is what led to you breaking your sobriety and feeling the need to. Inevitably you’re gonna get burned out and just want to cut loose. But it’s on you to be happy because if you’re happy you can get more done. Think of happiness as service fuel if you will.
You being happy or sad is not going to change the fact that people are suffering in the world. But you being happy will give you greater ability to do something about it. So be happy in service of those you want to make a difference for. This DOES NOT mean you let go of guilt or the need to earn your place on this planet. It simply means you sprinkle lots of joy to the doing so the doing gets done. But you never fucking forget why you are here. Never forget people are in pain and it’s on you to do something about that. Do not wear this as a cross to bear, for it will only break you. But hold onto this responsibility with a smile for it is your gift, your blessing that you get to do this work. So smile and enjoy the ride baby 🙂
If you are happy you won’t need those dopamine rushes with alcohol and you won’t need anything to take a break from, because the whole journey is fun. So there will be nothing to want to run away from.
You get one life and you are one that is part of the millions, so you matter. This one life matters, so enjoy the ride. Love the journey. This is everything.
You are one with the dark now. It is a part of you and this life. It is not something separate or strange or unknown or new. It is you and you are it. You’re fully and completely acclimatized to this life, to the darkness. We are one.
It’s like writing a book. Right now, do not edit or process lessons and takeaways. Right now just flow and be fully with this. The edit and lessons will come later. Use these last few days to their fullest. I don’t know when I will get this opportunity again. So use this time you have left in here. Soak this shit in son. Be consumed by the dark. Surrender to it fully. Let it control you and mold you from the outside in.
Here I am sitting in a dark room all alone and it just really hit me I like me. I fell in love with me. Not in some egotistical way, but just a deep knowing, a real love for this person I have become.
I know how much I want to and am committed to the betterment of my human family and I like that about me. Meant to or deserving, I don’t know, but I know I am here and I am glad I am here.
I am so beyond grateful to mom and dad. They have been the best parents I could ever ask for. I owe them everything. God knows I’ve put them through hell 🙂 But they are without a doubt the best parents anyone could ever ask for. How much they’ve supported me is just ridiculous. You really could not be more blessed. Now fucking earn this!!!
Enlightenment is not a destination because the only real destination is death. Until then, you’ve never arrived anywhere. So what is enlightenment? Enlightenment is a visceral knowing, not a thought or feeling, but a knowing in the oneness of all of life’s dualities. But the knowing can never be fully complete. It must always be trained and practiced. And then with a knowing comes application.
What will you do with that knowing? From knowing to application to then teaching. Teach so that others may know for themselves, not for them to learn, but for them to seek, to seek their own knowing.
I can only show you the door, but you must walk through it. With easy, I rejected easy, but easy is one side of a duality, and thus it has purpose, it has value.
Enlightenment cannot be taught. We can only show the door, but each person must walk through it, and on that path, in the doing, the knowing will happen as a side effect. I did not seek these insights, they came to me in the process of seeking, in the doing. You’re laying out a roadmap, but each person must walk it with will and faith, with control and surrender.
How could you possibly be bored here? You are getting the most intimate time with the most important relationship of your life.
Like Carl Jung said wander with human heart throughout the world and there you will gain a true knowledge of how to doctor the sick with an understanding of the human soul.
How will you know when you need this again? I will know. I will just know. Before this I would need some tangible outcome, some measurable result, but now I know that I will just know. The is self trust. Perhaps I have finally connected with my intuition, with the very essence of who I am at that intersection of the mortal self with the immortal self.
When you step onto the battlefield, don’t wish for easy. Pray for the devil to rise out of hell and give everything he has to the destruction of your soul. And your goal is to build yourself up into someone who will stand toe to toe with the devil. And just by looking him in the eyes with a smile, he will cower in fear, get on his knees and fall defeated knowing that he cannot break you.
Every day create time for the monkey mind to run wild, give it that time. Outside of that, you just follow the plan without thinking. Shut that monkey mind off and just follow out the roadmap your immortal self has laid out for you. Follow the immortals plan.
Do not go out of the darkness back to the same patterns. If you approach your work and your life with the same level of precision as you approach the darkness because you kind of had to in here 🙂 But do that and you will 10x your speed and your results.