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Nervous About Returning to the Light

This is the final part of my series of blog posts about the journal I kept during my 7 days in pitch darkness, silence and isolation.

Many of the passages I wrote in this darkness journal are scattered thoughts that came to me while I embraced the stillness and experienced magical “light shows.” As such, they are not always coherently structured in a way that you would find paragraphs that flow together inside of a book.

The most powerful and intense moments occurred during my last 2 days in the darkness. The journal entry below documents these last 2 days. However, I did not write about these experiences in much detail, I only experienced them.

As an example, on day 5, I saw the brightest white light I’ve ever seen in my entire life, while sitting in a pitch dark room. I kept touching my eyelids because I couldn’t tell if they were open or closed. I tried covering my eyes, but of course the light didn’t go away.

In that moment, I viscerally understood how light and dark can coexist as one.

On day 6, I went even deeper on a journey into the light that must have lasted hours.

As I laid down on my bed, I looked up at the ceiling and saw red and green lights that resembled stars in the universe. I could not move my arms. They were locked in place. Every time the lights started to fade, I repeated to myself “Please God, help me go deeper.”

After a few rounds of this, the bed felt like it was moving. I was told later on that what I experienced was the start of an astral projection.

I don’t know what it was, I just know what I experienced. No words can truly describe the depth and profundity of those few brief moments. But they stay with me to this day…

For better or worse, I am sharing everything I wrote with you without holding anything back. To be honest with you, I felt very nervous about sharing the entirety of my journal. Some parts reveal deep, personal struggles I was going through in a raw and real manner. But I am doing this because I believe there is some value to be found in these words for you. I myself was deeply moved by reading them once I returned into the light.

Surprisingly, I could not remember writing much of what I read…

When I wrote Fearvana, it was me writing that book. What I wrote in this journal, it seemed as if it wasn’t always me doing the writing. Even though I may have held the pen in my hand, what came out on paper felt like something coming through me. I was simply meant to be a messenger for something far more profound and meaningful than even I can fathom.

I hope the following words prove valuable to you and serve you in finding light within whatever darkness you might be experiencing at this point in time…

This is part 5, the final part, of my Darkness Journal.

WTF experience.

That was Fearvana. Finding light in the dark. Isn’t that the essence of Fearvana? Even if you have to die fighting, your mission is to bring this to humanity. Move forward from this with a knowing that this is everything. Move forward with unwavering faith and relentless will and deep knowing.

Maybe you didn’t need anything to be revealed to you during that experience. Maybe just the experience itself was the answer. That transcended reason, logic and rationality. Maybe that’s all you needed to experience at a visceral level to give you that knowing in the power of something beyond reason. Now it’s not just a thought or an idea. It’s real. That is deeply profound. That knowing.

This was the most profound experience you’ve had so far. That’s what you needed. A visceral understanding of something that transcends reason. A deep knowing in the power of something that defies logic. This was access point to faith. You can’t think your way to faith. Now you know it. Now you’ve experienced something more. Something more.

Now when you leave here, you must apply this to the doing. You must use this for purposeful action. The answer or some aha moment never came because the experience itself was the aha. The journey was the destination. That’s all you needed. You got exactly what you were meant to receive.

Leap into your business with the same enthusiasm, faith and courage you do everything else. You didn’t do 3 days in darkness, you did 7. You don’t run marathons, you run ultramarathons. That’s who you are motherfucker. And I love that about you. Do the same shit with your business. Go all in and fucking aim big and you WILL come out on top. Do the same thing in relationships as well. Go fucking all in. Anything you do, go all fucking in. No days off motherfucker. The best part is this excites you more than anything else. Fucking own it. You’re smiling as you write this because you know greatness is what you were destined for.

Do everything in life with precision, purpose and intention just like you did in the dark.

Some things I got from this: Stillness of mind, self love, a concrete knowing of many abstract concepts and heightened purpose, precision and intention, and happiness, peace and joy. Greater control of the monkey mind. Greater love for the seeking and the pursuit, the journey is the destination, a heightened calm and faith in the manifestation of the mission and Fearvana vision. Stronger surrender muscles. A greater mastery over time. Love for the little things, smoothies 🙂 There is always light even in the dark. A knowing in something that transcends reason. Joy and peace of pursuit. Enhanced speed of moment. Meta learnings on myself to apply to business and relationships. Realization I’m playing too small. My whole mission is to bring light into darkness. This was a literal and visceral way to experience that. Self trust and connection to my intuition or a sense of knowing. The unification of intensity and joy/play. The beauty of human connection. A deep sense of gratitude. 

Think about those who never get to leave the dark. Those who are stuck in a hell they never know if they will escape. What must that be like? Remember the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. This fight is on you!

Acknowledge yourself more. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. It’s not small feat what you did here. Own that shit. You’re fucking bad ass bro 🙂

This is it, day 7. This is when the devil is going to try and break you. This is when you start praying for him to rise up out of hell and fucking try. I want this to be hell. I want the devil to try and crush my soul. But know this, you Will NOT BREAK ME!!

Remember that part in the Alchemist, you are tested the most right before you reach the target. This is how you handle the final mile in running and life. You pray for it to be the 9th ring of hell. Remember how do you cross any finish line? Not with joy, but pure relief that the suffering is over. That means you’re toughest fight will be and you want it to be the final fucking mile. This is the answer you’ve been looking for. This is how you handle the home stretch of any worthy battle. Pray for hell!

You don’t want the last hour to feel like the first hour. Instead you stand tall and say I will not go down without a good fight. You needed day 7 to call forth the devil, stand toe to toe with him and bury him in his own blood.

Use your training to stop a thought at will, to live like a fucking machine. You set a plan for every day and you just follow it without thinking. And if a thought does show up, you shut that shit down and you stick to the plan with the eye of the tiger and just get it done.

I don’t know why but for some reason I’m kinda nervous about going back to the light. It’s weird. I don’t know what to expect about the experience. I’m wondering what it will be like. I think I shouldn’t go out with any expectation. just like the darkness, surrender to it and what shows up shows up. Don’t expect some magical transcendent moment. Even if you go out and you’re just like, oh I’m back in the light, that’s okay too.

Remember, spirituality is finding beauty even in the mundane. So whatever happens, however it happens, just be with it and surrender to it. Allow yourself to feel and experience whatever shows up without controlling it or judging it. Simply surrender and let the light guide you.

The reason I’m like a caged bull waiting to be unleashed is because I love what I do and I love who I am and am ready to get on that mission that I love so dearly. This is who you are.

Greatness requires sacrifice. Are you willing to make those sacrifices? 

You need to experience a kind of death to be reborn. So how can you keep creating mini deaths along the way to the final one?

Let so that others may live be your guiding mantra.

About to go into the light. I don’t know why I’m nervous. It feels already like a really emotional and intense experience.

(These final words I wrote after I returned to the light)

Look at the world every day as you just saw it today.


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Fearvana inspires us to look beyond our own agonizing experiences
and find the positive side of our lives. ~ The Dalai Lama